A recent study revealed that only five percent of U.S. adults suffer from a mood disorder, but James Young, a local martyr, claims every single one of his ex-girlfriends was either borderline, bipolar, or, in his words, “a complete psycho bitch.” How can one man be so unlucky?
Despite the fact that none of Young’s girlfriends were professionally diagnosed with a mental illness, he felt he had acquired enough knowledge in his high school psychology class to speak definitively on the matter. Not diagnosing people simply because you didn’t go to a fancy medical school is irresponsible, lazy, and some might even say classist. After all, the only real difference between a doctor and a layman is a good old-fashioned get’er-done attitude.
The quicker you diagnose your girlfriend with something, the faster you can use that psychiatric diagnosis to debunk your girlfriend’s flimsy arguments about you being a “manipulative psychopath” and “covert narcissist.” Some women will argue that their wildly fluctuating temperament is a reaction to being “treated poorly” and “constantly lied to,” but don’t take their word for it. These are merely the incoherent ramblings of a schizophrenic bag lady.
Debra is the latest in Young’s unending stream of criminally insane exes. Their once fairytale romance has been turned into a living hellscape because of her disease, leaving Young to wonder what he must have done in a previous life to deserve such a lousy hand. Just last week, Young’s girlfriend suffered a complete mental breakdown, screaming, crying, and threatening to throw all his belongings into the nearest trash fire. If this is her reaction to finding out he downloaded tinder when she left town for her mothers funeral, you can only imagine the unhinged reaction she’ll have after finding out he fucked the neighbor.
The sad truth is that mental conditions of this severity are usually only treatable with medication. However, miracles do happen. Through the process of divine intervention or some other type of godsend, it seems that all seven of Young’s ex-girlfriends experienced immediate relief from their psychiatric problems shortly after breaking up with him, and began to thrive.