Modern dating is hard, even hellish a majority of the time. The emotional labor of countless swiping and dead ends on dating apps is already spirit crushing, but worse still is actually procuring a date only for it to flame out within 30 minutes the moment the vibes are off.
Such is the case of Liam Wright, who has been questioning how every single one of his dates in the past two months has ended with women excusing themselves to the bathroom and never returning. While he can’t fully explain why it’s happening, the one common thread is that it only seems to happen immediately after he explains the ins and outs of his job as an ICE Agent.
“It’s the same thing with every woman! We meet up for dinner and find out we like all the same music and quote pop culture references from 2006, but the second I mention I round up migrant workers for ICE because I believe immigrants are animals, they suddenly get diarrhea and never return. I can’t prove it just yet, but I think my job might be a turn off. That or it somehow gives women diarrhea?”
Yes, it’s truly a mystery as to why at least three women have abandoned Liam via a restaurant bathroom window minutes after he explains that most of his work day is spent stalking Hispanic children outside of their schools. Could it be that he hasn’t had enough time to explain the complicated intricacies of our country’s immigration policies, or is it simply that he’s a heartless thug who willingly went into an inhumane profession?
“Even when I randomly meet someone at a bar, it’s the same shit. Why the hell does everyone I meet order an angel shot from the bartender right after I explain why zip ties are the best method of restraining immigrants? I’d like to think I’m defined by my personal qualities, like being a great listener and following orders. I’m totally down for doing whatever anyone wants me to do, no questions asked.”
Perhaps he should try avoiding the topic of work until the second date, or perhaps find a new career altogether. Right now though, mentioning having the one Fed job that’s DOGE-proof might the be the common thread as to why nobody in their right mind would fuck him.
“Maybe I should start saying I’m unemployed or ‘working on myself’ so I come off as someone they can try to fix.”