Some American thinkers have the power to shift the consciousness of the nation towards the betterment of all. Then there’s Ben Shapiro. We normally wouldn’t platform such a whiny asshole but we thought we were meeting with Ben Schwartz. That’s why we sat down with Ben Shapiro and, awwww, his teeny tiny little legs didn’t even reach the floor.
The Hard Times: We’d say thanks for joining us today, but we’re really not happy you’re here.
Ben Shapiro: Well, thanks for having me.
That’s your actual voice? You sound like a clarinet.
(At this point, Ben Shapiro struggled to get into the chair we had set out for him)
You need a boost there little buddy?
I don’t need help from anyone.
So, like, what the fuck is your problem?
I’m just a little short.
Cut the pseudo-intellectual shit, man. Why are you so obsessed with genitals?
I assure you genitals are the furthest thing from my mind.
You just seem to have a fixation.
Is it wrong to advocate for traditional femininity and masculinity?
Oh yeah, cuz you’re sooooo traditionally masculine.
BS: For your information I am a strong 5’9″ and a muscular 170.
So I know this is a touchy subject, but that’s a really tall medium-sized chair you’re sitting in. You sure you don’t want some help getting down?
I JUST WANNA BE A BIG BOY!!!
(At this point, Ben Shapiro tore off his clothes and began punching his diaper)
Hey! Hey buddy! If you keep doing that we can’t go out for ice cream.
Can we get plain vanilla?