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We Rank the Top 4 Biggest Fucking Assholes in My Band

Many of us tend to put rock stars and touring musicians on pedestals. But the truth is, the music industry is rife with unscrupulous, unsavory, and untrustworthy pieces of shit. And wouldn’t you know it? My band just so happens to feature the four worst pieces of vomit-covered shit the biz has to offer!

After having just spent three months touring the Midwest, I can confidently say this is the definitive ranking of the 4 biggest assholes in my 5 piece band:

Jerry

With guitar riffs that rival Jack White’s and a rancid garbage personality that rivals Jack White’s, it’s a wonder Jerry’s able to pull his head out of his ass long enough to get fresh air, let alone scream at the rest of us for daring to smoke in the van.Ooh, but his precious vocal cords!

FYI, Jerry – Every single time someone farted in the van and you got really pissed about the smell? It was me. It was ALWAYS me. I ate Taco Bell every chance I could to spite you.

Steve

Steve is a terrific drummer, and he should be, because he plays all the time. Especially during rehearsal when the rest of the band is trying to talk. No worries, Steve. We don’t need to hear each other to have a conversation!

Steve, of course, deserves special mention as a major league asshole because he brought a girl to the tour van and locked us all out, forcing us to spend the night wandering around a 24 hour WalMart Superstore. Hey, but Steve “got a sweet handie” so totally worth it.

Greg

FUCK YOU, GREG, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

Liam

I know you fucked my ex-girlfriend, Liam. And yeah, maybe I only dated her for 2 months, 7 years ago. And yeah, I did say I was cool with you asking her out, but you should have known that I meant I wasn’t cool with it. What kind of a friend are you to not realize that me saying one thing actually means the complete opposite?

Whatever, I’m sure shit will get better before our 4 month tour of the Northeast starting next week.

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