We’ve listened to a lot of AI-generated songs in our time, and let’s be honest, it’s been laughably bad. To think, we’ve been so worried about AI taking over music! “Ha ha!” We chortled, mocking dumb ol’ AI.
Well, now we’re not laughing, because we asked AI to make up a Tom Waits song and it gave us a six-minute track of skeleton bones falling into a pile. It was so convincing, it made our actual human flesh curdle.
As we continued listening to the melodic clatter of human remains falling on top of more human remains, our boss barged in: “Why the hell are you playing Swordfishtrombones right now? It’s not even noon!” We told him that it was actually AI. “You’re fucking with me.” I slowly showed him my laptop.
His face went pale. “That’s it, then. They’ve done it. This is the beginning of the end.” The hollow click-clack of a skull tumbling over a ribcage punctuated his point.
Just then, we heard a loud clang of a metal trash can falling over in the alleyway. I went to investigate and realized we don’t have a trash can in the alleyway. My blood ran cold. It was the AI-Tom Waits song.
Our intern walked in and started singing: “The Earth died screaming, as I lay dreaming!” Our boss punched him in the mouth.
We heard a frightening mewling of a cat in heat. AI Tom Waits. Chains being dragged across more chains. AI Tom Waits. The sound of a circus tent being erected. AI Tom Waits. Some of us had to leave the room to trauma-vomit.
That night, I went home and curled up in bed. Music was dead. I wanted to be comforted but I didn’t know how. So I asked AI to make a lullaby in the style of Bjork. It started playing seagulls screeching inside a kaleidoscope.
That’s the stuff.