Oh boy, it’s a perfect day out. The weather is ideal for a nice walk with a loved one, for children to play outside, or maybe some quiet gardening. This is why I’ve gassed my bike up and called up some bro’s for a nice ride around town ruining everyone’s day.
The risk-factor of riding a motorcycle through populated areas is a small price to pay for letting the world know you’re an insufferable, inconsiderate tool. Here are five things to keep in mind to maximize your annoyance-factor.
1. Wake up sleeping babies
Parents of newborn children value any prolonged period of restful sleep they can get. And it’s easy for an adult to turn over and go back to sleep after my exhaust blows through their neighborhood, but once a newborn baby is stirred awake they’re up and they’re crying and screaming and those parents’ day is shot.
Bonus points if you can drive back and get the baby to actually see you so it knows monsters are real.
2. Ruin a cat cuddle
Early morning is also when cats are the most docile and likely to be cuddly. Time to light their endocrine system up by idling my hog in front of their house for a few minutes while I decide what Pantera song to blast from my speakers.
3. Disrupt a burial
A little before noon is typically when funerals happen. And if you think a solemn ceremony involving deep introspection and treasured memories is a magnet for my loud-ass Harley then you’re so right I want to kiss you and punch you and I’m very confused by these feelings.
Feelings are for when we’re dead. Let my bone-rattling bike be a reminder that chaos reigns over all and I am an agent of that chaos.
4. Almost murder a bicyclist
For some people, a sunny, beautiful day is perfect for riding around on a bike, which is a fragile little acoustic motorcycle. These people need a little reminder of who really owns the road. Time to give them a little fright and make their lives flash before their eyes. Starting with a little engine rev to give them a spook, then almost driving them off the road to remind them who’s boss on these roads.
5. Traumatize children by exposing them to your mangled corpse
As they say in Looney Tunes before self-immolating, “you can only do this once,” but once is good enough. You’ll be immortalized in the recurring nightmares of the children who witness your brains smeared on the highway as traffic is forced into a single lane while first responders tend to your mutilated, lifeless body. You’ll not only ruin the day of any family passing by in a minivan, you’ll also ruin their lives.
WITNESS ME!