Holy fuck you guys won’t believe this shit. McFuckingDonald’s secret menu is real and it will change your normal dumbass lunch for the better. I tried the whole goddamn menu. These are the best ones and if you disagree you can shut the fuck up.
10. The McGangbang – The McBoys did it on this one — this sonofabitch is better than getting a handy at church. A double cheeseburger with a McChicken patty in the middle. I would have called it the McEiffel Tower, but whatever.
9. Big McChicken – Fuck bread. This slop beast is for you hardocore gym rat mother fuckers. It’s a Big Mac with McChicken Patties instead of buns. Get your macros or whatever the hell you freaks are always going on about.
8. Caramel Apple Sundae – First of all this shit goes hard. It’s appy slices in a sundae with caramel sauce. Don’t let those fucks lie to you about “ThE iCe CrEaM mAcHiNe Is BrOkEn” That shit works and they know it. Fight them outside if you have to. My move is I go “Do we need to get the manager involved?” and then I flash my custom brass knuckles with the word “Manager” bedazzled on the top. That usually gets Ronnie’s ice-cool sweet cream dick sauce flowin right quick.
7. Hashbrown McMuffin – At night when I can’t sleep from all the goddamn white Monsters I drink, I think about this breakfast orgasm. It’s a McMuffin with God’s perfect hashbrown in the middle. I love the crunch of hashbrown and eggshells.
6. Land, Air, Sea – This fucking abomination was made to prove that the kid who would eat weird shit at lunch in school could keep doing it. It’s a McChicken in the middle of Big Mac with a filet o’ fish patty. I choked this mistake down like I was a seagull in the parking lot, but you know what? It’s a goddamn right of passage. Toss that candy-ass happy meal and prove you got a pair by choking one of these bastards down your dickhole.
5. McKinely Mac – The Big Mac is for pussies who don’t love meat in their mouths. The McKinely is a Big mac with quarter pounder patties instead. That’s a half pound of the finest McMeat you can get with cream sauce. This one will seriously put some motherfucking balls on your chest for real dawg.
4. Apple Pie McFlurry – McPies are always the fucking tits. Now put one of them sons of bitches in a McFlurry. Hot and Cold tango in your mouth like when you eat a pizza roll fresh out of the microwave. I slammed one of these motherfuckers after I got kicked out of a Misfits cover show (for just drinking and having a good time mind you) and I am telling you bro I saw the face of GOD the second that culinary cum shot of apple goo and vanilla hit my tongue.
3. The Mc1035 – The cusp of breakfast and lunch, which by the way who the fuck is asking for hamburgers and nuggets at ten thirty in the god damn morning. It’s a McMuffin and McDouble combined. It’s so good you’ll shit your pants while reaching flavor nirvana. That ones not hyperbole, I actually defecate in my pants every time I order this piece of shit and I still get it all the time, that’s how fucking good it is.
2. The McGrilled Cheese – My mom’s special friend Debra introduced these to me. It’s just cheese and buns but she gets them with tomatoes and Mac sauce. I know she likes them because when they are in my mom’s room I can hear moaning about how good they are.
1. All American – The broke ass burger that reminds you that sometimes simple is the best. No cheese, no onion. Just beef, chup, and pickles. Never forget this is where it started before corporate America tried to upsell you with cheese and 401ks. Stay humble.
The McDonald’s secret menu isn’t for the masses. Gatekeep this shit from the losers who think that Mickey D’s isn’t healthy. I will personally come down to your house and flame-broil your ass if you give away this secret to someone who thinks “Burger King is better than McDonald’s”. Order from here and I promise your life won’t suck ass anymore. The people in your life will finally respect your dumbass decisions. Your kids will finally show you some goddamn respect. Your doctor… man FUCK your doctor, McDonald’s family restaurant for mother fucking life yo!