So our show had zero people at it, and I mean zero. Even the bartenders left after they watched us smack our guitar cases against the wall as we tried to get through the front door. It was so humiliating. Then, as I was ready to rage-tweet my disappointment, my bandmate suggested we just tell everyone it went great since there were no witnesses. Holy shit. What an incredible idea! And it was our bassist who thought of that. Crazy, right? Finally, providing some value. Anyway, I’m gonna go tell a bunch of people how great the show was and let you know how it goes.
UPDATE: Guys. This shit is INSANE. Everyone is showering me with praise. Whenever someone asks how many people were there, I just go “It was hard to tell, honestly. When you get locked into the performance, it’s almost like no one is there haha.” They keep laughing when I say that. I feel like God, if instead of creating worlds, God just created awful, grating alt-rock rip-offs.
We even filmed the show, but just a super close-up shot of our instruments, so you can’t see the crowd or that I was crying. Then I went and added crowd noise afterwards. Posted that to YouTube, zero views on that too. This couldn’t be easier to pull off.
I might start telling people I do all kinds of things I could never do. Like, “Hey mom, I’m a Navy Seal. It’s super top secret war and murder stuff, though, so you can’t even look it up. Don’t even try, or else I’ll have to Navy Seal you to death.” Come to think of it that’s what the guy in “Taxi Driver” did, and I’m pretty sure he wound up getting a medal or something.
I am a little worried this is going to my head, though, because I’ve started wondering how difficult it could even be to rob a bank. Probably not that hard, right? Right? Or wait, no, I’ll TELL people I did a really great bank robbery, and then I’ll get hired to do a bank robbery. Does anyone know any bank robbery hire-ers?
Come to think about it, I’ve never fact-checked a show I didn’t go to. Maybe no one goes to any shows. Maybe everyone is just lying to each other, and everyone is too wrapped up in their own shit to do anything but take it at face value. Maybe no one has ever seen Radiohead. Jesus, how far does this go?!
Whatever, I’ll put a pin in that for now because we have a show next week. The address on the poster doesn’t even exist. We’ll probably just get drunk in my apartment and play Guitar Hero because the audience is programmed to both exist and cheer. I’m never playing this stupid real guitar ever again.