I’ll be honest. Growing up, I never saw myself as an iconic singer-songwriter. Winning a ton of Grammy Awards, being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and selling more than 120 million albums worldwide? Look, I don’t even know how to hold a tambourine.
But something changed this morning after I put on my new dress. Call the record companies and start booking time in the studio. You’re looking at the next Stevie Nicks right here. I just feel it in my heart. To be more accurate, I feel my deep creative talent and career as a legendary performer in my arms. Specifically everywhere between my shoulders and several inches past my fingertips, now covered in enormous flowing sleeves of sumptuous black chiffon.
I’m sorry, did my extremely large yet ethereal sleeves just hit you in the face? You’re all just going to have to get used to that, because I absolutely will not be keeping my arms still.
Not when every dramatic whip of my voluminous arm fabric is practically writing a new line of a song by itself. Whoosh. It almost feels like crystal visions, if you know what I mean. Something’s happening, happening to me. My friends say I’m acting peculiarly. Please stop rolling your eyes and also stop asking me if I’m using cocaine.
Thanks to the majestic material billowing off my arms, I am a living legend. I’m ready to sell out stadiums and inspire a new generation of songwriters. Probably also cast some powerful spells, or at least scare people into thinking I’m practicing witchcraft.
Hold on, I need a few materials. Lace and paper flowers. Or leather and lace? Both. And definitely some gold dust. I’m talking tubes and tubes of metallic glitter. I can’t explain it, but it just feels right for my new musical career. Hey, does anyone have a coupon for Michael’s? Shut up, I don’t care about how hard it is to get glitter out of the carpet. Do you think Stevie Nicks thinks about that?
My dress sleeves have opened up a divine portal to creative genius. I am unstoppable. I am a cat in the dark. And a one-winged dove. And soon to be incredibly wealthy.
All right. I just need to take my dress off for a few minutes to eat my burrito because the stupid sleeves keep getting in the refried beans. Whoa. Now this old t-shirt is totally making me feel like the next Courtney Barnett.