It seems like most people had a John Hughes phase at some point while they were growing up. Whether it was Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, or Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, these iconic movies of the eighties hold a special place in many of our hearts. Well, it seems like things have come full circle, because I believe the next iteration of the Breakfast Club is standing in front of me in the Target self-checkout line. Seriously, these five white teenagers won’t stop complaining about fucking everything.
Jesus Christ, they just won’t let up. Whether it’s the line’s slow movement or the store’s temperature not being warm enough, there doesn’t seem to be any aspect of their current surroundings that they’re not willing to bitch about. I feel like I’m standing behind Emilio Estevez’s character, trying to make himself appear to be the victim as he’s recounting how he physically bullied a weaker classmate, or Anthony Michael Hall’s character whining about his botched woodshop project, all while they lounge unsupervised in the lavish library of their comfortably-funded high school in the northern suburbs of Chicago. Seriously, count your blessings, assholes.
Ugh, goddamnit, now they’re complaining about the self-checkout machine. Is there anything these modern-day Saturday detention attendees are grateful for? Honestly, I’m sorry the barcode on the can of your Sparkling Grape Rush Celsius isn’t scanning properly, but that doesn’t give you leave to have a full-on meltdown in front of the underpaid and overworked Target employee. Seriously, this is more cringe-inducing than Molly Ringwald’s character crying about how difficult being popular is. Goddamnit, do these idiots have any idea what life is like for teenagers in the third world? A little self-awareness would go a long way for them.
Seriously, why can’t I be living out the next version of one of John Hughes’ cool movies, like Weird Science or Uncle Buck? Hell, even Curly Sue would be better than this. Having to listen to a group of teens whine about the system that inordinately favors them is something I really didn’t enjoy in the movie theater, and it’s certainly not something I enjoy when I’m just trying to run into the store real quick to pick up paper towels.
Oh god, the teenagers just got in line at the Starbucks near the entrance. Time for me to dip out of here so I don’t have to witness them making the barista’s life a living hell, too.
