In this day and age, it’s common to find a much more relaxed attitude towards casual marijuana use amongst many different demographics. And despite grounding you for it at least five or six times in the early aughts, this shift in perspective also includes your mom.
Wanna get stoned with the woman who bore you this Mother’s Day, but you’re too nervous and weirded out by the mere concept? Fear not. We at The Hard Times present our tried-and-true guide.
1. Broach the Topic with Some Lighthearted Joking
Perhaps begin the process by mentioning that there sure are a lot of weed stores around here now! And yeah, they certainly DO look like an Apple Store inside, what an astute observation. You could even let your mom know that while a lot of states don’t sell baked goods, she might have a corner on the market locally if she gets really good at making butter. Maybe she should test out what weed is like these days?
2. Very Gently Remind Her that Weed is Like Way, Way Stronger Now
Now that your mother has agreed to smoke with you, her adult child, immediately U-turn into gently letting her know that this is by no means 70s or 80s weed. This is industrial strength shit that a 25-year old with purple hair and a bridge piercing sold you after you described what is essentially “age-appropriate back pain.” This is going to knock her flat. In the event she asks for a gummy, lie and say you don’t have any. You don’t want her freaking out and calling an ambulance for herself.
3. Throw On a Grateful Dead LP
Set the right scene by putting on a vinyl record, perhaps “American Beauty” by the Grateful Dead, and lie about how much you paid for it when she asks two puffs in.
After about half a joint, your mom may start to discuss her past hard drug use when she was following the Dead full time. Nod sagely and reserve judgment, though note to ask her if her roommate who made acid in the kitchen is still alive at a later time.
Okay, she’s actually talking a lot. This is getting a little irritating, truth be told. Uh oh, she’s bringing up your childhood…
4. Do Not Let Her Discuss Your Childhood
Things may be going peachy—you’re a little bit stoned, and your mom is being pretty cool, but you’re gonna have to put in some serious work in this next phase to prevent shit from going downhill. Under NO circumstances should you discuss your childhood, especially if she does that thing where she asks you all wide-eyed if she was a good mom, and you don’t have a non-nuclear answer to that question. If you engage at all, she’s either going to cry or get weird. That will harsh the mellow irreparably.
5. Call Your Sister for Reinforcements
Ok, she asked. Fuck. Get your Gen Z sister on the phone to talk politics until your mom is extremely riled up and ready to make protest signs. A little arts and crafts saves the day!