Well it happened again. You’re irrationally angry and contemplating murder. Everyone feels the urge to kill at least once or twice a weekend, right? Unless you’re a pussy! But you’re NOT. You’re a man.
Welcome to The Hard Times instructional guide to committing murder. As you already know, the guy who kinda bumped into your girlfriend needs to die. Sure, your lady was really drunk, stumbling, and wandered into the pit. And the guy did maybe mumble “sorry,” although it could have just as easily been “watch it you dumb whore.” Either way, murdering someone for maybe accidentally bumping into your girlfriend is a completely reasonable and in no way overblown response. But what’s the right way to end this man’s life? We’re glad you asked!
The Hard Times Dos & Don’ts of the Capital Offense of Murder
Do imagine this guy as your step dad. Picturing Brad’s face will give your punches the strength of 10 fists!
Don’t accept an apology. EVER. No matter what. This guy bumped your girl. A real man defends his lady. If you don’t, everyone at the show will no you’re a coward. Do it.
Don’t listen to his pleas that he has a family or deserves to live. Allowing him a chance to humanize himself is just going to get between you and your blood lust.
Do have a snack handy for afterwards. stabbin’ and a-punchin’ works up a mighty hunger!
Don’t stop until you no longer see red.
Do KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL
Congrats on reaching step 2 of the guide. As any Tijuana bachelor party attendee or Dark Web Red Room operator knows, the work isn’t over when you suck the victim’s last breath from their mouths to consume their essence. Now you’ve got to get rid of the body. That’s why the Hard Times has put together our handy M.U.R.D.E.R. system for corpse removal.
Men don’t show remorse. Men don’t apologize. He bumped YOUR lady. Be a MAN. Stop Crying.
Understand proper corpse carrying techniques (lift with your back!)
Rely on your friends. Everyone has one true friend they can call if they need help burying a body.
Desolate areas like deserts, alligator-filled swamps, and the New Jersey Pine Barrens are ideal.
Eliminate your one true friend that helped you bury the body. No witnesses.
Relax! You just got away with murder.
Well, that’s all we have for you. Good luck living with the soul-crushing guilt for the rest of your time on earth. And happy murdering!