My fellow centrists,
As of this writing, I have just gotten off the phone with Zohran Mamdani, a democratic socialist, congratulating him on winning the democratic nomination for mayor of New York. It is a formality I fear may be part of a bygone era. It is in this moment of defeated surrealism that I realize this is how mediocre and massively corrupt Democratic leadership ends — with thunderous applause. This is haunting stuff.
What the hell happened? The Democratic Party was never about raising the quality of life for the masses! It’s about performative hollow gestures and doing whatever large financial institutions would like us to do. It’s about letting republicans trample civil liberties and saying “No, please, stop,” with all the enthusiasm of a child getting raisins for Halloween. It’s about distracting people from the fact that you are getting disgustingly rich while accomplishing nothing you said you would do during your years in office, and getting handsy with a couple dozen pieces of tail while you’re at it. This? Now? I don’t know what this is.
This country was founded on bribery, milquetoast compromise, and Zionism. I look at Mr. Mamdani and his ilk, and I see a grim future. A future where single mothers are no longer too downtrodden to actively participate in their own government. A future where working-class New Yorkers make enough money to ugly-up the crowds at our precious Broadway shows. A future where sexual advances are no longer about power, but about consensual pleasure between two people who like each other.
What will I do? Where will I turn? Who is going to pay the bill the next time my sexual harassment racks up $61 million in legal fees, now that the burden is no longer on New York taxpayers? Did you animals even think about that when you voted for Mr. Reliable Free Public Transportation and Livable Wages?
Again, to be clear, I never sexually harassed anyone; I was just being Italian! You know! Shitty!
The worst part is I probably won’t get any credit for Mamdani’s future successes, despite giving him a massive head start. You know what makes a fare-free bus program way easier? The 6000 elderly members of the surplus population my Covid-19 policies directly killed, that’s what! That’s a lot fewer stop bells being rung, my friend. Enjoy it.
Well, to the hundreds of financial elitists and mobsters whose interests my nomination would have actually served, I say goodnight, and good luck. I’ve got some serious soul searching to do, and there’s a warm Michelob Ultra in Chuck Schumer’s penthouse with my name on it. Here’s hoping he brought that aid with the huge cans. Cuomo out.