Hi kids, it’s your Uncle Glenn here. I won’t sugarcoat it, but it looks like the world is finally on the precipice of destruction. I’m a little disappointed our undoing will be from nuclear bombs and not something cool like being obliterated by the hand of some vengeful, long slumbering Lovecraftian deity but I’ll take what I can get.
That being said, since I have nothing to lose there is one thing I have to get off my chest before civilization goes tits up. This’ll sound crazy, given the breadth of my work, but it’s time you should all know that I am scared shitless of werewolves.
I know this may come as a shock and even bigoted but I’ll have you know I’m friends with many evil creatures beyond human comprehension. Vampires, take my neck please. Demons? I’ve met several, and they were all cool as hell. But if I ever came face to face with a werewolf I’m hightailing it the fuck out of there. Sure, the thought of our planet being engulfed in the fires of nuclear war is scary. But it’s nowhere near as terrifying as a half man, half wolf hybrid. It’s enough to make a man shit his bootcut jeans.
In the days of the Misfits I thought maybe I could confront my fear of werewolves if I wrote a bunch of songs about them. Spoiler alert, I wrote exactly one and it took me three months to record it without throwing up all over the studio. It didn’t help that I grew up in northern New Jersey where 85% of the population is super hairy Italian guys which made me extra paranoid about them lurking just outside my vision. I haven’t left the house without a gun full of silver bullets for over 40 years now.
Before you all give me shit, would you risk derailing your entire career, merch rights, and image admitting you pulled the covers over your eyes watching the “Werewolf” episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000? Doyle has been holding that over my head since the reunion!
Honestly, the biggest upside to the world ending will be not living in fear of cursed dog men anymore because I’ll be chilling in hell, unless that’s where they all end up when they die. Shit, I might have to look into converting to Christianity if that’s the case.
Besides, I’ve always been more of a cat person anyway. Danzig out!