Lately it seems the world is increasingly full of self-righteous dickheads dropping subtle hints as to how I should live my life. Whether it be my wife flossing next to me twice a day or my coworker who always covers his face when he sneezes, these virtue signalers are clearly only doing this to keep up appearances, as I can find no other logical explanation for this level of gloating.
The “look at me” culture has even spread to our public bathrooms. Though it may seem like an innocuous place, look closely and the Regal Cinemas men’s room is full of showboating.
During one of my last visits, I had just finished taking a two-flush dump when the man at the sink next to me washed his hands so vigorously that I ended up with some of his suds on me. I wanted to say, “Chill out man, there are no ladies to impress here,” that is unless this theater has become one of those gender-fluid bathrooms where anyone is free to come in and shame me for having a little pee on my hands, and a lot of pee on my jeans.
Call me old-fashioned, but I cannot imagine a situation just short of gutting a fish that would require me to wash both hands. Even after pounding a family-sized bag of Doritos half-asleep in the middle of the night, or dealing with the lavatory aftermath of Elk Tavern’s spicy wing night, I’ve only ever had to wash one hand. Similar to the justice system, why would I send both hands to jail when only one is guilty of a crime?
Just when I thought this guy at Regal couldn’t be more of a braggart, I saw steam rising from the sink like a pot of Sunday soup. Hot water and soap? You’d think this man was prepping for the most important surgery of his medical career but no, he’s just prepping to dive into some Sno-caps and a medium-sized popcorn. At this point, he might as well strip down naked and ask me to give him a sponge bath.
To my disbelief, he finished his performance with a trip to a hand dryer, a mechanism I’ve only ever used to dry my shoes after an impromptu rain storm. It says right on the sign that only employees have to wash their hands, but he couldn’t help himself from flexing on me. He’s no better than the other show-offs who obey yield signs and don’t smoke on airplanes.
Photo by Jesse Rhodes.