It was P.T. Barnum’s angsty cousin who once said, “There’s a poser born every minute,” and the older I get, the more I think truer words were never spoken. On the one hand, it’s cool that ‘90s alternative is experiencing something of a resurgence with today’s youth culture, but how sincere is it? On a recent trip to my sisters place to do laundry I met Trevin, her 12 year old son’s snot nosed friend, who I noticed was sporting a Nirvana T-Shirt but who, when pressed, couldn’t even recite the words to “Moist Vagina.”
I politely attempted to test my nephew’s friend by asking them, “ If you’re such a big Nirvana fan, what song is ‘I’ve been sucking the walls of her anus’ from?” and the kid just looked down at the floor and shuffled their feet awkwardly. He seemed deeply uncomfortable right away; that’s how embarrassed he was to be outed as a poser. Sorry Trevin, you may have the wherewithal to cut the Hot Topic tag from your oversized “In Utero” tee, but it’s clear you’ve never bothered to track down the Japanese “All Apologies” import with the “Moist Vagina” B-side. Pathetic.
As true audiophiles know, there has been an influx of “fake fans” lately — people who wear merch from bands they don’t know anything about just because they like the design. My nephew’s friend fit the fake fan profile perfectly. There was no patchy scruff below their chin, no interrupting people with, “Um, actually.” This pre-teen puke didn’t even say “I prefer their earlier stuff, before they sold out.”
I hate being a gatekeeper, so out of fairness, I gave the kid another chance to prove they weren’t a poser. This time, I threw them a softball. “Hey kid, what song is it where Kurt sings “Beans, beans, Jessie ate some beans?” It was painfully obvious from their one-word answer of “Huh?” that they had never experienced the lo-fi awesomeness of “Beans” from Montage of Heck. At this point, I doubted the kid could even tell the difference between “Mexican Seafood” and “Hairspray Queen.”
Oh, the kid knew “With the lights out, it’s less dangerous,” of course, but when I grilled them on the meaning behind “Pee pee pressed against my lips,” from “Floyd the Barber” suddenly I was “being inappropriate,” and “embarrassing” my nephew “again.”
Look, I’m just trying to do my part to educate today’s youth. Do you want a whole generation walking around in Iron Maiden T-shirts because they enjoy Steve Harris’s nuanced, gallop-style bass playing on “The Trooper” or because they think the zombie guy on all of Maiden’s albums looks cool? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Being a Nirvana fan isn’t about buying a cool-looking shirt and listening to “Nevermind” on Spotify. It’s about going on eBay and paying through the nose for an Australian copy of the “Hoarmoaning” EP on vinyl. It’s about knowing the difference between the “Outcesticide II” bootleg and “Outcesticide III.”
The encounter may have ended with my nephew and his friend running upstairs while muttering derogatory comments about me under their breath and my sister telling me I’m barred from her house because I “have no chill” but if that kid in the Nirvana shirt comes away from it with a new appreciation for the band’s music then it was all worth it.