There is a lot going on in the world right now, but there is one issue that I think people need to be focusing on more than anything. It’s not climate change, it’s not the atrocities perpetrated by corrupt governments, it’s the fact that the Oasis hit song “Champagne Supernova” should actually be called “Sparkling Wine Supernova.” I shouldn’t have to explain this, but there’s a difference between champagne and sparkling wine. Yes, champagne is sparkling wine—like that turn of expression about how all rectangles are squares but not the other way around—but it’s a special kind of sparkling wine. See, champagne is sparkling wine that comes from a particular part of France—that is, the Champagne wine region of France.
Last I checked, “(What’s the Story) Morning Glory?” was recorded in Wales, the Welsh wouldn’t know champagne from toilet water. The fact that anyone allowed Oasis to write this song without forcing them to change the name is a crime against humanity that cannot be forgiven.
Champagne is known for being bubbly and easy to enjoy, while Oasis are known for being grumpy and only enjoyed by people who need to manufacture an intelligent persona.
That reminds me, I was at a friend’s cocktail party recently, they had just returned from a two-week trip to the UK, so of course the playlist was entirely Britpop. “Champagne Supernova” started playing, and I got so angry that I kicked the air conditioner out of the window. It landed on a cyclist and now he’s threatening to sue me. Well sir, get in line. My wife has already got me wrapped up in litigation for child support payments, and since those kids don’t return my calls, I don’t feel the need to pay for their food and clothing.
The judge assigned to my case said he’s going to have me institutionalized if I don’t stop talking about my campaign to get Oasis to change the name of the song. He must work for Oasis’ record label or something, because there is no reason for him to silence me unless he has something to hide.
Come to think of it, our next family vacation was supposed to be visiting the Champagne wine region of France. I wanted to teach my family about being high-class and get them off those bullshit hard seltzers. Sure, they might be easier to drink, but they’re for sorority girls, like my daughters, and stay-at-home moms, like my ex-wife.