My prayers have been answered: EPA restrictions are getting rolled back! This is going to make my afternoon hallucinations so much more wild. Bring those gnarly forever-chemicals home to daddy.
Ever since these safe alternatives have been introduced, my paint-huffing has gotten so damn boring. The high from natural products is beyond weak. When I think back to when I first got started, I was dealing with Papa’s paint from the ‘80s, leftover buckets in a leaning tower at the back of the garage. Those were loaded with a swamp of toxic chemicals, the noxious swill zapping my brain to life. An ethereal mix of hyper-focus and blurred energy that I’ve been trying to recreate since. Maybe we’re all just chasing our own dragon, in some way. Maybe that’s the eternal struggle.
I’m banned from all Dunn-Edwards locations, same with Sherwin-Williams. You have no idea the profiling I experience at the Home Depot. Visits to Kelly-Moore? Not happening any time soon. Sometimes I pay local kids to go inside for me, but even that scheme’s run dry since Gen-Z just stays inside.
Ordering online is the move these days. You know what was a game changer? The Internet, specifically Temu. You can order globby, synthetic paints which, with the rip of a seal, emit a foul chemical odor. A muted plastic stench. It’s heaven. You can feel your nostrils slowly coated with a slick, synthetic layer. But now with these tariffs, I can’t even order my mysterious international acrylic oils anymore. Thanks Biden!
Can you imagine the highs I’ll be getting again? Floating, just floating. I’ll be communing with satellites. I’ll be able to kiss my dead grandma on the lips and leave a paint stain on her glowing angel face. It’s worth it every time, especially with the leftover pigment smeared across my mouth, looking like a fringe ‘Mad Max’ villain. I can lick my cheeks later and get a freebie bump. That’s living, man.
Getting rid of these pesky EPA restrictions means I can buy American again. Finally, supporting a domestic cause. Like a true patriot. A patriot that also happens to be feeling pretty damn groovy from this can of half-dry paint I found in an unlocked garage down the street. Looks like everything’s finally working out for me.