There was a time when sex was sacred. It wasn’t with just anybody at just any time. It was between a slightly overweight man and a buxom woman on a tube TV at 2 in the morning, and your parents would get a hefty pay-per-view bill for it at the end of the month.
Nowadays, kids just type in “PornHub,” promise they’re over 18, and suddenly they’re exposed to thousands of videos of completely unrealistic sex. They think it takes 15 seconds of P in V for a woman to orgasm. They think a massage parlor spontaneously becoming the site of an orgy is normal and not grounds for sexual assault charges, not to mention a litany of health code violations. And for some reason, they think it’s weird when step-siblings aren’t having sex when their parents aren’t home.
Kids are learning unrealistic sex from easily accessible pornographic materials. It’s stunting their emotional development and negatively affecting the success of their future sexual relationships, and this is just wrong. They should be learning about sex from Bloodhound Gang songs and stories from their sister’s friend Tyler, like the rest of us. We weren’t inundated with images of unrealistic body types and frightening dick shapes. Instead, we learned about the value of finding a woman who can play the harmonica with her pussy, that if you don’t need a mop and bucket afterwards, it isn’t real love, and practical advice like how it’s easier to pick up women who are a bit past their prime.
Having to work for scraps of knowledge about sex made us grateful for anything that came along. We didn’t have to spend time trying to figure out what we’re into. Found a magazine on the locker room floor with pictures of women riding horses wearing nothing but cowboy hats? That’s your thing now. This saved us from a life of chronic dissatisfaction and from wondering why our 13-year-old bodies didn’t match the physique of a roided-out guy named Brad doing Crossfit between shoots in the San Fernando Valley.
Most importantly of all, thanks to the Bloodhound Gang, we learned that sex is as natural an act as breathing. Nobody shames the Netherland Dwarf Rabbit for just doing what comes naturally. And we humans are no different. After all, you and me, baby, ain’t nothin’ but mammals.
