My family and I love living here in Montclair — there are restaurants for my wife and me, theaters and museums for the kids, and we absolutely adore our neighborhood. But something’s happened recently: this family, the Connors, moved in across the street about two months ago, and they’re a little…let’s say, suspicious. There’s the father, Marshall, his wife Judy, and their son and daughter. They’re a nuclear white unit, and here’s the kicker: all of them are blonde. We’re thinking they might be, y’know… “MAGA.”
Ever since the Connors set up shop on our street, we’ve been trying to get a sense of whether they’re a Trump-loving bunch with a secret stash of red baseball caps to cover their golden locks. During a recent conversation I learned that Marshall chops his own wood for fires – seems a little conservative, right? But then again, I wish I could do that, so we can’t use it as definitive evidence.
I thought we had some solid evidence about these blondies being weird Elon Musk apologists after Judy was talking with my wife Erin about how much she loved Colleen Hoover. To me, that’s a surefire sign, but Erin said that Judy apparently also loves Toni Morrison. Judy is a wildcard at best.
Recently, at their daughter Kate’s birthday party, I sent our daughter Cara to “wander” upstairs and tell us if she saw any guns lying around anywhere, especially big ones (but told her not to touch them – I’m a responsible dad). She didn’t find any guns, but did see a katana on the wall in Marshall’s office, which just suggests he might be a secret weeb, if anything.
The next few items on my checklist I went through in rapid succession: obnoxiously large, American-made car? No, they drive a Subaru, God damn it. Bringing up religion at weird moments? No, they say grace at dinner but that’s about it. And worst of all, no off-putting opinions about how college makes kids liberal and woke or whatever. I think their son Jack wants to go to Villanova. If this family is MAGA, they hide it pretty freaking well.
Cara ran to the window this past Saturday and said that Marshall was putting up a sign in their yard. This is it, I thought, the definitive answer. Sure enough, there he was…but it wasn’t a Trump sign, it was just a yard sale. Maybe the Connors are just blonde after all. Still, constant vigilance.