Look, you’ve probably heard a lot about today’s job market and how difficult it is to “break in.” Some will tell you to get on LinkedIn, search for people whose qualifications match yours, and hope, just hope, that someone will DM you with a job offer. But even in this era of increasing digitization, nothing beats the personal, tried-and-true connection toward landing that dream job that will shatter your faith in humanity and rob you of all time and leisure.
Don’t get me wrong, I think a diversified attack is a good approach. But if you really want to go for your dream — by which I mean the nightmare that denies you of the pursuit of happiness — I find it best to mine the contacts that you already have in place.
Start with social media. Type in your desired industry — by “desired,” I mean the thing that will finally force you to surrender your free will and then literally kill you — into the Facebook search bar and see which of your friends’ friends or old classmates pop up. Scroll through to find which of these lackeys is posting photos of themselves on a boat with somebody else’s spouse, wielding an industry trophy with dead eyes, or hanging their arms around some colleagues with a smile that says, “What?! Who am I?! I didn’t want this!”
Message them. Remind them of your mutual acquaintances and social clubs. See if you can’t arrange a round of golf (you’re terrible), a latte (you’re lactose intolerant), or an evening of drunken karaoke (you hate Bon Jovi). They’re sure to get back to you immediately because they’re desperate to get away from the office to tell you how great it is. This is called “networking,” which is code for escaping the life they never wished for as a kid and, frankly, used to mock.
So when you’re panicked and confused, burdened by a mortgage and a tanning-bed subscription, it’s best to seek out other panicked and confused people who actually have jobs. Contact them today. Do it now! Don’t delay the chance to live out the dream that will make you want to die.