Working the teen beat for the Hard Times can be a challenge. We’re not exactly the site’s most prized section and we haven’t even gotten an assignment since my Crust Punk Guide to Clear Skin. So we were SOOOOO excited when our editor gave us the chance to interview the hunks in Pig Destroyer after their set at the Scum Bucket.
Sure, our editor was looking at the metal reporter when he said it, but we just popped right out of our seat and told her we had the perfect interview angle… what would a dream date with the pretty boys from Virginia’s most brutal grindcore band look like?
Before anyone could say no, we dashed out of the room and headed to the absolute worst part of town to catch up with those hardcore hotties.
Hard Times: J.R., let’s start with you. You front a band with songs titled “Trojan Whore” and “Piss Angel.” Is that all just flirty talk, or do you really know how to treat a lady?
J.R. Hayes (frontman): Girl, let me start by saying you’re looking fine as hell. Me and the boys are every bit as romantic as our lyrics imply. We live for long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, and giving sensual massages.
HT: Go off, J.R.! Whew! Can we get a glass of cold water over here?
Scott Hull (guitar): Call us old-fashioned, but the guys and I still believe in chivalry. If you’re coming out with us, we’re holding the door open and pulling out your chair. I hope you’ll allow me to escort you out of the club after this interview so I can lay my jacket down in the various puddles of piss our fans usually leave behind. I wouldn’t want you to get those sexy heels wet.
HT: Ohmigosh, you guys are even dreamier than we imagined.
Adam Jarvis (drums): A first date with me has a habit of turning into a spontaneous weekend at my pied-à-terre in Paris. So it might be a good idea to bring an overnight bag (winks).
HT: I’m dead. Well, boys, this has been hot AF. Any parting words for our readers?
Travis Stone (bass): Come see us on tour and don’t forget to say hi. And if you think we’re romantic, way until we introduce you to the guys in Dying Fetus.