A Cannibal Corpse fan, huh? Like your music pummelling and your lyrics gory, do ya? That’s neat ’n all, but then that fandom should extend to the cinematic equivalent — torture porn. Gimme three torture porn films right now, or don’t ever talk about being force-fed broken glass again.
See, Cannibal Corpse is more than a band — it’s a goddamn worldview. Look, I’m not a sociopath, despite what my ex-girlfriend said. And the one before that. And the one before that. If you love Cannibal Corpse as I do, then, unlike my exes, you understand that torture and murder fantasies are cathartic as hell.
On film, those fantasies can be brilliant social commentaries, too. A true Cannibal fan would be able to discuss the philosophy of John Kramer, aka Jigsaw, from “Saw.” He’s actually an aspirational figure, not a serial killer. He uses pain to help people discover the value of life. “Saw” is basically a Tony Robbins seminar, but with blood and screaming. And if we’re talking about the most successful torture porn franchise ever, then we gotta talk about its inventiveness. Shit, the “Saw” movies are proof that the best Rube Goldberg machines contain people.
Speaking of inventiveness, Cannibal Corpse have come up with a shit-ton of ways to inflict pain: machetes, knives, hammers, meat hooks — ya know, the usual tools for psychos. But they’ve also had some truly outside-the-box ideas like using boiling flesh and even severed heads as means of harm. Genius, I say.
So of course real Cannibal fans know about “Would You Rather,” the film where a rich sadist named Shepard Lambrick offers people money to hurt themselves in creative yet simple ways like eye-slicing and holding a firecracker. Hell, at one point Iris has to nearly drown herself to stay in the game so she could get the necessary funds for her brother’s leukemia treatment. Decent society might find that disturbing, but it’s sure as shit less disturbing than America’s healthcare system.
And while we’re on the subject of harming and killing Americans for profit, Cannibal Corpse fans should abso-fucking-lutely know about “Hostel.” This franchise has all the monstrous glee of Cannibal’s best songs like “Shredded Humans” and “Orgasm Through Torture.” The Elite Hunting Club’s marketing to potential clients should be: if surgeons are allowed to sever limbs, then you can, too.
Cannibal Corpse and torture porn may be agonizing experiences for most people, but you wanna know what real agony is? Listening to Six Feet Under.
