Press "Enter" to skip to content

Not All Cops: Some of Them Rip Their Clothes off and Dance Around for Money

I know this isn’t a popular thing to say nowadays, but not all cops. Sure, some deplorable behavior has come to light in recent years, and the thugs on the force responsible for those actions should be held accountable But to let their actions completely stain police as a whole is to overlook the hard work of those boys in blue who just want to rip off their shirts and get this party started.

Let me tell you about officer Rob. One night I found myself at a swinging all-night party with plenty of action to be had. I was just there to have a good time, but then, the unthinkable happened — I was not horny at all. I don’t know if it was coke dick or too much whisky, but I was scared. That’s when officer Rob came onto the scene.

He approached the hostess with a calm but authoritative stride. Evidently, there had been a complaint made against her. The complaint? “Being too sexy.” In a flash, his clothes were gone, and the chiseled, glistening body that remained had me rock hard in seconds. Later, as Rob collected his money off the ground, Bobby Bown’s “My Prerogative” still fading out in the distance, I walked up to him and thanked him. Know what he said to me? “Just doing my job.”

That night I made love to a set of twin Norwegian girls and a Japanese businessman. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about Rob and thank God he was there that night.

I understand that not every cop in the world will rip off their clothes and gyrate their hips to titillate us for singles. And yes, those cops are a cartel of murderous racist scum who should be wiped from the earth. What I don’t understand is why we’re only focusing on those cops. Frankly, the second that tight blue button-up rips against a set of bulging pecs, I find it hard to focus on anything else!

Maybe you should think twice next time you want to call one of these oiled Adonises a “pig,” unless of course, you’re referring to the giant hog barely contained by their cheetah print banana hammocks, in which case, go ham!

Sure, there are some bad apples out there ruining the bunch. One time I was at a Jack & Jill party, and a cop ripped his clothes off to reveal a bad Rick and Morty tattoo and, like, no 6-pack. Not cool officer Hardbody. Another time a police officer drew a gun on my Dominican friend for having a busted tail light. Not cool officer Hardbody. But on the whole, police are good honest people just trying to do their job — keeping things sexy.