It is no stretch of the imagination to say that the world is in pretty rough shape. A Life Model Decoy of Elon Musk has been elected President. Eggs cost more than $2000 per shell, not including the styrofoam container. The new Disney+ Daredevil show is mediocre at best.
But don’t lose hope! If you look at the world, there is always a bright spot to be found and the scientific community has announced a beautiful sign that nature is unquestionably healing: the dolphins have returned to reclaim multiple parts of your apartment.
Yes, we humans may have been giving nature the kind of beatdown usually only found in Scorsese films, but the gentle jesters of the ocean aren’t letting that get them down and have reclaimed their ancestral homes in your third-floor walkup, despite your newly signed lease.
So far, researchers have confirmed stable populations of dolphins in the following parts of your single-occupancy apartment:
The Bathtub: When we picture a dolphin majestically leaping out of the water or forming an underwater gang to bully weaker undersea creatures, where do we see it? That’s right, in the bathtub of your apartment, happily splashing in the dusty clawfoot that your landlord swears he’s going to get around to fixing one of these days.
The Breakfast Nook: Scientist are cautiously optimistic that the pod of Atlantic humpback dolphin currently having recreational sex in your breakfast nook may be able to form a sustainable ecosystem, particularly as you are now legally required by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to ensure they have a constant and fragrant supply of estuarine fish to gorge themselves on.
Under Your Twin Bed: It brings a joyful tear to our eye to report that the dusty space under your twin bed, in which you have not had a partner for over 17 weeks, is now home to a cavorting group of Flippers! It’s a good thing you weren’t getting any action, because that EEE-EEE-EEE thing they do is a real mood killer, to be honest.
Your Dark Corner of Anger Against a World That Wrongs You at Every Turn: Whoa, you have a whole corner of your apartment set aside for that? What are all these scratch marks on the wall? Is that…bl– you know what? We don’t wanna know, it’s dolphins now! Yay!
Dishwasher: It’s been pretty nice having a dishwasher, hasn’t it? Even a tiny little one that smells like mildew and only works with some kind of dry detergent only made in Estonia. Well, those days are over, because four bottlenose dolphins own it now.