Another day, another goose egg on the old meetings tracker. I’m beginning to think I’ve gotten into the wrong profession (outbound SAAS sales) with the name Spam Risk, but such is life. I have eccentric parents. You can ask my brother and sister, Fall and Flight, they can verify.
I was born in 1985, a year that would later be immortalized by Bowling For Soup. My parents had no idea that Spam would become anything other than a delicious combo of pork shoulder and ham. The internet was a twinkle in Bill Gates’ eye. Or was it Bezos? I’m not much for computers, which again makes me think I’ve chosen the wrong career field.
Caller ID wasn’t a thing! They had no idea I would succumb to a lifetime of screened calls, trashed emails, and blocked text messages.
I’m a great guy! Really, I am. I like reading, hiking, and disc golf. If you talk to me in real life, I think you’d really enjoy my company. It’s a shame all of my e-vites go unopened, and my group chats are archived. You have no idea how many unopened Piñata’s I’ve returned. Do you know how embarrassing that can be?
I’m constantly on the phone with delivery services, hunting for lost packages and unfulfilled orders. Never let me order a pizza, especially if you’re hungry. You wouldn’t believe how many OpenTable reservations I’ve lost.
I do pretty well on the dating apps – that is, until a nice woman, 36, single, one cat, says, “Want to take this off the app?” Well, it’s been fun, Caroline. I know I’ll never get through to you. I’ve taken to snail mail and calligraphy. A relic of a bygone era that many women find “creepy” when I “ask for their address” too early in the conversation.
I’m not a telemarketer, I’m not a scammer, I’m certainly not a robot. I have no interest in the length of your vehicle’s warranty. I am not a Prince (to my knowledge) nor do I know any princes. I’ve never worked for a bank, they won’t hire me. I do not want your Social Security number. At this point, I don’t even really want mine.
I’m at a loss, I really am. Everyone always tells me, “Go by your middle name.” I would, I sincerely would, but Enteratyourown Risk would likely cause its own list of challenges.
