Throughout my life, I had always felt completely secure in my masculinity. Then, the unthinkable happened — an alpha male lifestyle influencer on TikTok challenged it by implying people like me weren’t man-ing hard enough. I was devastated.
A deeper dive into @ArtOfTheAlpha’s socials revealed further blows to my ego. I didn’t have any children at 30. I had a cortisol belly. I didn’t even smoke cigars, bro. It seemed the state of my man-card was in jeopardy. I didn’t even know who I was anymore.
A weaker man would have admitted defeat, but not me. I was going to prove this stranger on the internet wrong by doing everything he said to do for the rest of my life.
By making him my daddy and doing everything he tells me to do, I’ve beaten @ArtOfTheAlpha at his own game. Now I’m a man’s-man who changes his entire lifestyle the second an ill-informed gym rat gives him unsolicited advice on the internet instead of going to therapy. By following the code of someone I’ve never met who seems kind of buff and mean, I’ve become my own man:
ALL MEAT DIET: Fruits and vegetables are a slippery slope that lead to sissification and cuckholding. By the fourth week, I didn’t even miss shitting and the diverticulitis makes me feel like more of a man.
NEUTROPICS: It used to take me hours to finish the NYT crossword puzzle. Now, I don’t do the NYT crossword puzzle because I know it’s full of liberal Satanist propaganda.
PROCREATE: According to the Bible, it’s the only reason to have sex in the first place. Oh, the bible is super important by the way, but don’t read it, reading is feminine.
HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH WOMEN OUTSIDE OF PROCREATION: Are you a heterosexual man in a relationship with a woman who loves and supports you? Have fun with that BETA! Associating with women can infect a male with feminine energy. I only associate with other alphas now because iron sharpens iron. Cuddling, going on dates, and paying child support are all traps to turn you gay.
EMPATHY = DISEASE: Have you ever wronged someone and felt bad about it? Congratulations, you’re host to the woke mind virus! Every parent, teacher and mentor who ever told you to be a good person growing up was paid to do so by George Soros.
NEVER NUT: Semen retention is crucial. Semen is pure masculinity, it makes us strong. The least gay thing you can possibly do is worship semen.
My so-called friends have all begged me to abandon the way of the alpha. They tell me things like how I should be comfortable with who I am, that I shouldn’t feel insecure because of some right-wing influencer, that @ArtOfTheAlpha is either satire or an attempt at forming a cult and I am the dumbest person alive. In other words, they’re all a bunch of weak-ass beta CUCKS. How else do you explain why they all have extremely attractive wives while I remain so very, very alone despite maximizing my gains?