Everybody loves a good underdog story, so I thought I’d share mine here. My whole childhood I had teachers tell me how awful of a student I was, how I was wasting my potential, how I would grow up to be nothing but a deadbeat and a loser. Well, I’ve made it my life’s goal to prove those naysayers wrong. I’m an adult now, and I would kill to see the look on their faces when they realize that I’m actually doing much worse than they initially predicted.
My English teacher Mr. Stone always said that I could achieve great things if I only applied myself. Mr Stone, I’ll have you know, I’ve been trying my ass off for years and still have nothing to show for it! Every project I’ve ever sunk my time into, any endeavor I’ve ever signed off on has either failed spectacularly or fizzled out before ever leaving the ground. Bet you feel pretty silly now, don’t you, Mr. Stone? Not to rub it in, but it turns out my failures have nothing to do with a lack of motivation, but a complete absence of talent. Ha! Egg on your face.
My PE teacher Mrs. Gomez once said she’d never seen someone so out of shape in her life, and that flipped a switch in my head that made me say “Fuck you, watch this.” Mrs. Gomez, you’ll be astonished to know that as an adult I’ve worked diligently to increase my Doritos intake by at least sevenfold, and just the other night I finally polished a pint of Cherry Garcia off in one sitting. I can now run out of breath walking to the fridge, when before it would take me anywhere from 1 to 2 flights of stairs.
My history teacher Mr. Lee always said if I didn’t start taking my studies seriously, I would end up flipping burgers after high school. First of all, that’s racist (I’m German), and secondly, I applied to McDonald’s and didn’t make the cut. According to them, I was “wholly unqualified,” a “liability,” and “scary.” Would be pretty tough to flip burgers if I’m not allowed in the kitchen, wouldn’t it Mr. Lee? In fact, I’ve been 86’d from at least 47 different McDonald’s locations across state lines, which is a record that will stay standing for a very long time. Just another way that I’ve made a name for myself while you rot away in some stinking classroom, Mr. Lee.
I like to share my story to teach others that you are never defined by other people’s opinions of you. You CAN be worse, you CAN disappoint your loved ones even more. With enough dedication to never improving, constantly settling, and neglecting your well-being, you’ll surprise yourself with things you only dreamt of under-achieving. Never, ever let anyone tell you otherwise.