When I signed up to be a human canvas on this show, it was with the understanding that I would be worked on by the best of the best. I’m sick of so-called “artists” who are either unable or unwilling to give me what I want. So no, I’m not interested in changing the subject matter or the placement. If you really have what it takes to be Ink Master, you’ll be able to put this Foghat tattoo on my scrotum.
So what’s it going to be? Are you going to be able to accommodate me, or am I going to have to storm out in a huff, leaving you forced to needle some half-assed facsimile of what I requested onto your own thigh? You know the ability to work with a customer is part of what the judges on this show look for, and I can just imagine DJ Tambe’s expression of disappointment as you’re called up to have your work critiqued. Do you really want that?
No, I don’t mean the band’s logo, or the words “SLOW RIDE”, either. Today is portrait day, and as such, I want this picture from December of 1976 of the band bowing together on stage during a show at the Palladium in New York City. That’s Dave Peverett, Roger Earl, Craig McGregor, and Rod “The Bottle” Price together, arm-in-arm, just after they finished playing “Night Shift”, on the front of my scrotum. It wouldn’t make sense if it was on the side or the back. And I happen to think this is a great idea for a tattoo, despite how “unbelievably stupid and disgusting” you seem to think it is.
I would’ve thought you’d be psyched about this. I’m getting older, and the profound case of testicular distension that’s accompanied the years I’ve racked up has left you with more than enough room to work with, and don’t you artists love rock’n roll? Foghat’s probably everybody’s favorite two-hit wonder from the seventies. Three-hit, if you count “Fool for the City”, which you can bet your ass I do. Sorry it’s not a bunch of screamers with gauges in their ears, or whatever it is you like.
Alright, enough talk. Let’s get to inkin’. I just know you’re going to end up in the season finale after you nail this piece. Speaking of which, do you need a human canvas for your final tattoo? Because I’m a huge Grand Funk Railroad fan, and my entire ass is untouched. Just something for you to consider.
