I Paid Donald Trump $100K for Insider Trading Info and Now I Am the Leader of a Prison Ramen Cartel

My entire life I’ve always been a loser, and earlier this year I decided to do something about that. I was drowning in debt, and knew I had to change my life. So I did something drastic – I took a shot at becoming a real winner for once. I quit my job at the paper mill, sold all my possessions, and pointed my car at Wall Street, baby! Nothing was gonna stop me now! And when the President of the United States offered early access to his Truth Social in order for me to manipulate the stock market, it just seemed too good to be true.

It was an easy decision to liquidate my 401k and pay Donald Trump $100K for insider trading info. And honestly, I had no idea how much of a win this would be. A couple of option flips here, some shorts on the healthcare markets there, and soon I had amassed a $4.5M fortune. Sure, I got arrested, and the cash was seized, but, man oh man, the luxuries and notoriety that would be coming my way were unimaginable. Following my conviction, I was sentenced, and I quickly became the most popular and feared inmate at Thomson Federal Correctional Institution.

Sure, I could’ve ended up here for a myriad of reasons, but this was more than happenstance; this was fate! Can you believe how lucky I am to be here now as THE kingpin of Thomson’s ramen cartel? I earned the tattoo of chopsticks under my eye like a real badass motherfucker – by beating the absolute shit out of some guy with a packet of uncooked Nissin. Holy shit, that was a thrill.

And even though I don’t have anything to show for all this ramen cash, I am essentially the Elon Musk of noodles. I run this joint. And anyone who tries to stop is gonna get their eyes burned out of their sockets with a couple bottles of sriracha.

And sure, I still have 8 years in this place, but I finally feel at home here, and it sure as shit beats working at the goddamn paper mill. It’s all I could ever ask for.  The world is mine — all within this 8 foot by 10 foot cell. Thank you, Mr. President, for making me a real winner.