You knew this was going to happen. You saw the signs, you were aware of the risks. You found the “sea salt” scented body washes, you watched them linger in the brimmed hat section of the department store, you witnessed the switch from Camels to American Spirits. And now, as you listen to them talk about how they wore their jeans in a hot bath to have them “form to their legs,” your greatest fears have been realized. Your friend is in their “raw denim” phase.
The best thing to do in this situation is not to panic, or try to “fix” them. Now more than ever, your friend needs your help. As someone who has seen a few friends lose their footing and slide into the deep end of the un-sanforized abyss, here are a few tips to support your friend during their raw denim phase.
1. Constantly reassure them their jeans look good.
Within a month of wearing stinky, dirty jeans, your friend will inevitably come up to you and point out barely visible creases in inconspicuous places on their legs: behind the knees, the crotch, the back pocket where they’ve shoved an unopened Copenhagen tin. At this point, make sure to use affirming language, like: “Yes, your ‘honeycombs’ ARE looking totally sweet,” and “Your ‘whiskers’ ARE the perfect size! No, no, the really big ones scare me, promise!”
2. Take the odor situation into your own hands.
Your friend will surely be wearing the jeans every day while refusing to wash them, and pretty soon there will be a sweaty, pungent elephant in the room that will become impossible to ignore. Your friend has become absolutely nose-blind to this powerful musk, so the best thing to do is wait until they’ve fallen asleep whacking off to “Fade of the Day” forums all night and spraying Lysol in the jeans yourself, and maybe even on your disgusting friend too, for good measure.
3. Create a routine.
Raw denim hobbyists can sometimes find it overwhelming to be a functioning member of society. I mean, these are the same types of people who cringe at the idea of having to wash your clothes. So, creating a routine can simplify life for them. Every morning, have them bust out 10 deep squats with the pants on, put on their bolo tie, and kiss the framed picture of James Dean on their wall before heading out. This removes any critical thinking from their daily life that could overheat their brain or cause them to second-guess their life choices.
Raw denim is a phenomenon that captures the hearts of millions of quarter-lifers every year who want to cosplay as a 1950s greaser, so just know that there are plenty of others who are empathetic to your situation. Remember, this little obsession will pale in comparison to their inevitable cowboy boot phase, so enjoy it while it lasts.