Your straight edge loved one has become ensnared in the terrible trap of Liquid Death abuse and you can’t stand to see them like this. Their addiction has advanced to the point of drinking cans outside of hardcore shows, and they are now indulging before work, family activities, or even while driving. Here’s how to hold an intervention for your straight edge friend’s Liquid Death problem:
Step 1: Gather friends and loved ones who are equally annoyed by how much your friend talks about Liquid Death
The first step is admitting you have a problem. A problem with the amount they talk about Liquid Death, a canned water that’s allegedly from a mountain but is indistinguishable from a bathroom sink. You’re happy about their sobriety, but could they try being clean from talking about how counterculture drinking branded water is?
Step 2: Write personal letters about the ways in which Liquid Death consumption is ruining your relationship. Here’s a template you can use:
Dear (Loved One),
Your Liquid Death addiction has affected me in the following ways:
1) It’s impossible to talk to you when you’re drinking. Seriously, the incessant popping of cans is driving me insane. I have a show I’m trying to invite you to.
2) You know there’s regular water that does the same thing, right?
3) The booker says if I don’t have more than 2 people this time, we have to play the 4 pm slot.
4) Trust me, we already knew you were hardcore when you started speaking in tongues in the Underoath mosh pit. Your water choice doesn’t change that.
5) Could you at least throw away the cans in your truck? I need to borrow it to load in this weekend.
It’s important to use your letter to let them know you are coming from a place of love and not from a place of being a big, jealous hater. Seriously, you can’t let on that their ability to have fun while drinking flat tin-flavored water might be at the root of your complaining.
Step 3: Remove all Liquid Death from the premises until they detox with real water
This is crucial. They may have stashes of Liquid Death hidden in places no one would ever want to look, like their shredded underwear drawer or their bass case. Make sure they have a safe place to go through withdrawal where they won’t be a danger to themselves or others, so stay away from Guitar Centers.
Recovery: Keep them away from triggers: no hardcore music til they kick the can. And whatever you do, don’t let them find out about Topo Chico.