Parenting is full of tough conversations — the birds and the bees, where do we come from, and the dreaded talk every father must have with his son about how he’s absolutely defiling your impressive Micro Machine collection that you’ve foolishly entrusted him with.
Us dads, we’re car guys. It’s our responsibility to indoctrinate our sons into car culture at an extremely young age to serve as a baseline carapace of masculinity, lest they fall into prolonged episodes of whimsy or soccer. The best way to achieve this has always been through the purchase and distribution of Micro Machines to small boys. But for some inexplicable reason they stopped making them, which means they’re not just toys I kept in a shoebox in my parents basement but literal heirlooms.
This is why the talk is necessary. People may tell you it’s not that big of a deal – wives, in-laws, therapists. Don’t listen to them. This is between father and son. As such, I’ve found it far more effective to have these talks late at night after your wife has gone to bed, mano a mano. Be sure to wake your son gently. Remember, your aim is not to scare him but to scold him for his carelessness. Plus, you don’t want to run the risk of him screaming and waking up that wife of yours.
Once the boy is reasonably conscious, you lay into him hard. It’s important for you to do all the talking, so I recommend drafting up a speech and having a few alcoholic beverages beforehand to get the juices flowing. While there may be tears (from both of you!), it’s important to stand firm. Some variance is expected based on the idiocy of the boy, but you might want to try phrases such as, ‘They don’t let kids have these anymore because of unrepentant slobs like you who think it’s perfectly fine to mash them all up in Play-Doh!’ or ‘I don’t even want to know how many of these you’ve ingested, you idiot pig boy!’ (and if he’s on the heftier side, feel free to lift up his pajama shirt at that time.)
Make it your own, have fun with it, but remember speed is essential. Need I remind you about your wife sleeping in the room across the hall? You should be talking fast as fuck like the guy in the Micro Machines commercials. That guy ruled! Maybe if your son had better role models like the Micro Machines guy, you wouldn’t be in this mess. Anyways, once you’ve sufficiently let your son know how much of a disappointment he is, say something about this all being a dream and get the hell out of there.
