Day in and day out, I’m grinding away on new music. And I’m not one of those guys who bangs out a quick riff, tosses some lyrics on it, and clicks Upload. I’m methodical. It takes me a whole week to drop a new banger! So how come my creation, the thing I’m most proud of, gets 3 likes, but a quick blurry pic of me and my snotty toddler gets like 100?!
Don’t even get me started on show promo! Social media is supposed to be this one stop shop to drop the show flyer on all my friends and family. This should save me from printing them and posting them in coffee shops and laundromats like some gross promoter! But those get 3 likes too! It should be… Upload flyer, flyer gets 100 likes, then boom! Full venue. What am I supposed to do, add the kid to the band?
I am not adding my dumb kid to my band.
Why is everyone so proud that I had a kid? I’ve been a musician for like 15 years, but to make this kid, all I had to do was finish inside my girlfriend! That’s even less work than reaching into my side table, opening a condom wrapper, and putting on the condom. Heck, even pulling out is one less thrust. It’s out, then just not back in! This is why Gen-Z is so lazy. You’re all doling out praise for doing nothing!
I’m no conspiracy theorist, but I have a theory. I think algorithms favor bullshit family stuff because it keeps people on their app. A pic of my dumb 3 year old is blasted out to more people, but a click on my song takes them over to Bandcamp. My show flyer is even worse! It takes them off of their phones to leave their homes and enjoy live music! I’m competing with Meta for everyone’s attention, and my bad for thinking my own friends and family would pick me over Zuckerberg!
The only reason I joined social media was to promote shows and brag about my accomplishments. (Something I’ve learned… Adding the word “grateful” takes your humble brags to a whole new level.) But now I guess I just need to use these apps for what they were meant for. Bullshit life events like birthdays and kids! Holy hell, I just had the best idea! I’ll use a pic of my kid’s birthday as my next flyer!!! Just him blowing out his candles with the show info on it! Take that, Zuck!