Like any responsible citizen I keep track of international news and, while this isn’t an endorsement of the leadership of Kim Jong-Un or North Korea, it is troubling that the world might experience more upheaval and uncertain futures due to the death of Kim Jong-Un at the age of…34?
Wait, what? Are you serious? The dictator of North Korea is 34? He’s responsible for political executions and has caused us to fear the potential of nuclear war for years and he’s only 34? I’m 35 and I can’t even get people behind me to stop talking during concerts. Kim Jong-Un would have them summarily executed and Our Great Leader would make sure the merch booth was overflowing with mediums.
That said, there’s so much he missed in the year of wisdom I have over him. Kim Jong-Un was too young to watch Jesse Camp and Dave Holmes battle it out on MTV’s cultural milestone Who Wants to Be a VJ. Kim Jong-Un was too young to know classic Weezer. He came of age during the time of “Beverly Hills” and “Pork and Beans.”
I just can’t get over this. How am I older than Kim Jong-Un? He’s been in charge of North Korea and all this time he was younger than me? All those moments when we were terrified that nuclear war would break out and he wasn’t even old enough to watch the original Wayne’s World sketches on SNL?
Cultural milestones are one thing but there’s also the fact that, at 34, Kim Jong-Un is terribly boring. Even his impending death is because of a “vegetative state,” which is how the elderly die. A 34-year-old should die doing something adventurous, like insisting that these cokeheads behind me at this concert shut the hell up. I don’t give a fuck, I’ll throw down right here.
How many cool band t-shirts has he been seen wearing? How many dreams and aspirations has he given up on? Does he have a hard drive full of his old band’s demos that remind him that once he had passion? Did his friends have to stage an intervention to get him to stop wearing cargo shorts? How is he 34 years old if he isn’t having those experiences?
On one hand, I feel like I’ve accomplished so little despite my 12-month head start on North Korea’s Dear Leader, but on the other hand he never got to see The Unicorns live before they broke up. Also, apparently he’s dead or something.
Oh wait, he’s actually 36. Never mind, I’ve got time.