I was minding my business and enjoying a candy bar when the craziest thing happened! A crowd surrounded me because I found some dumb coupon in my chocolate and then there was this whole media circus before I was whisked away to some bizarre tour of a chocolate factory. If that wasn’t crazy enough, this weird old man who was showing us around just up and gave me the goddamn chocolate factory. The worst part is, now I keep finding bodies everywhere! Help!
This is not what I signed up for when bought that candy bar. It was a plain chocolate bar too. Not worth it.
As soon as the old man in the top hat forced me to sign this contract that said I own everything in this creepy place, I, a nine-year-old, am now legally responsible for an international confectionery company with a board of trustees, an accounting department, and a research and development lab full of disturbing blue men who sing about death as they work. That’s when bodies just started appearing everywhere.
Behind a bush that was somehow growing jelly beans, I found the badly decomposed body of a kid. He was about my age. Doesn’t anyone miss him? Where are his parents? It’s probably best they don’t see him like this anyway, all cold with Necco Wafers over his eyes.
Oh dear God, the chocolate river! There were so many bodies. All bloated up with liquid chocolate. Floating facedown in rich, tasty chocolate sauce. Only gas keeps them afloat. And then there was the old man who had a heart attack after being forced to consume effervescent cotton candy. The little men sang at him as he clawed at his throat, the cotton candy burning him from within. Their song haunts my every waking moment.
Oh yeah, there was that French kid who was guillotined by a giant, razor sharp Jolly Rancher blade. That one was just crazy. Also, I didn’t know this place made Jolly Ranchers. Silver linings, eh?
This factory is a maze. I’ll never find my way out. I’ll die here like all the others. Then I’ll never get to learn the joys of running a Fortune 500 company! Wait, what’s that outline against the harsh lights of the factory? It’s one of the little men! They’ve turned on each other now that there is no one else to sing their death songs at. Oh God, they’re crucifying him. No. There’s no use crying to God. He has abandoned this factory. There is no candy here. There is only body after body.