Not to startle you, but I’m currently 8 beers deep. Which means if you’re reading this, I may already be in the future. Possibly. I’m not really sure how the glitch works yet. What I do know is that time travel is not only possible — It’s highly probable at any point after 2 PM.
Anyway, there I was, cracking open a tall boy on my lunch break like usual. No,w usually I stop at one, but I thought, “What the hell, it’s Flag Day!” So I slugged back a few more. And before I knew it, I had been flung through the fabric of space-time. Landing in the bushes outside my house — in the future.
I guess time travel really does a number on you, because I spent the next 24 hours vomiting and nursing the worst headache I’ve ever had. That guy from Interstellar made it look so easy. But then again, those unenlightened Hollywood writers have never experienced what it’s like to be violently jettisoned into the unknown.
Since the advent of my discovery, I’ve dedicated every waking moment to researching the glitch. How does it work? Can I control it? Why would the government and/or the aliens behind the glitch cause me to miss my daughter’s graduation? There’s so much still I don’t know, but what I have discovered is that the time skips get bigger, the more beers I have.
At first, the time skips are small and start around beer number 5. Now, during this time of ingestion, I only fly forward in time for a few minutes, but the time skips get bigger once I get to beer number 9. Which is what I’m currently on, as I write this. It’s only a matter of time, though, until I reach beer number 15, which is when I truly break the barrier of the 4th dimension.
I don’t know where I’ll end up, or how far into the future I’ll skip. But what I do know is that, like any scientist dedicated to their craft, I will NEVER stop researching. No matter what my wife, boss, friends, or children say. Because one day, they’ll all know a Nobel Prize winner. And if they’re cool, I totally let them hold my medal.
