True music industry insiders know that if you really want to get noticed you need to put stickers in urinals and public toilets. I know that may sound crazy to some, but trust me: major labels shall know me by my shitroom insignia and thus bring glory unto my band. Rejoice!

If you’re ready to take your music career to the next level, here are the five places you need to put your sticker:

1. Center Field

This is premium DIY advertising real estate! Industry executives are sure to see this sticker while pissing and immediately check out my Bandcamp with their free hand. Then we’ll see who’s crazy.

2. The Splash Zone

Music pros know the sit-down toilet is a vessel through which the industry hears our pleas and accepts our offerings. My gift is humble but sincere: a black and white sticker in the splash zone of the East Side Deli shitter. Industry, receive this logo of an eye and rain many blessings upon me!

3. Beyond the Obstructions

This is what separates the serious musicians from the amateurs. There shall be obstructions, but the industry will recognize our labors as offerings in and of themselves. As in my dreams I battle children of Hell in search of a light-bringing A&R rep, so are we called in waking life to fight through chewing gum and wadded paper towels and condoms and whatnot.

4. The Underlid

Remember: always put the seat up! I feel the vibration of Industry attention already and am filled with great joy; I smell the echo of excrement past and am filled with great sorrow. All will be well when I come into my recording contract!