It’s no secret that modern life can be profoundly anxiety-inducing. From the rising cost of living to maintaining relationships, one can easily forget how to find their center and practice self-care. But those problems were from ten minutes ago, before the mushroom cloud from the first of many nuclear explosions began growing in the distance. Worry not, though, there’s still time to practice mindfulness and achieve inner peace to offset the fact that you’re going to be reduced to ashes in a few minutes.
Stay Fucking Calm
The first thing you should do, and quickly, is find a relaxing activity. Don’t stress too much about how generations of capitalists had pillaged the working class to fund their wars, or even how easily preventable nuclear Armageddon should’ve been. Find a quiet spot in your house (preferably the basement) and knock out a puzzle. Yoga will also help calm your mind and distract from the air raid sirens.
I Scream, You Scream
If there was ever a time for a sweet treat, it’s now. Pop on down to the store and make the most of your last moments on this mortal plane with a delectable ice cream sandwich or a slice of Devil’s food cake. And due to the fact that the rule of law no longer applies, you can loot and grab however many you like! Side note, you should eat it quickly because it’s going to melt fast.
Talk it Out
Remember that podcast you’ve always wanted to start and never got around to doing? Well, there’s no time like the present, and never mind the fact you have nothing interesting to say. If you survive the initial blast, you won’t want to spend the rest of your days trudging through the wasteland wishing you shared your opinions on pop culture. You could probably score a sponsorship from Mint Mobile too, bombs be damned.
To Whom It May Concern
You will undoubtedly have a lot of negative thoughts as you stare down oblivion. Take some time to release those emotions by journaling, which will not only help you release your stress but educate the bands of raiders about a pivotal moment in human history as they pick through the remains of your home. Will you condemn the warmongering, narcissistic leaders of the warring nations over their nuclear duck measuring contest, or reflect upon your dog’s birthday, which happens to be code for your ammo-filled lockbox?
Cum Armageddon
If all else fails, jerk off. Perhaps a bit of post-nut clarity will help you realize our mutual self-destruction was inevitable. Plus, it’ll be a hilarious way to die. Ever see that fossilized masturbating guy from Pompeii? What a fucking legend. You’ll give the future master race of mutant-human hybrids something to laugh about when you find yourself fossilized, hand in crotch. And if anyone needs a moment of catharsis, it’ll be them.