As a conservative Christian, I’m no stranger to a good persecution fantasy. The idea that I’m somehow being oppressed despite being a member of the most overrepresented sect in America that controls all of its levers of power is what keeps me going day after day. What you might not know about me is that it also fuels my libido. As such, here are five persecution fantasies that get me as hard as a fucking rock.
- Prayer in Public Schools Being Banned
The fact that students are absolutely allowed to pray, and to even start prayer groups in public schools, and that the First Amendment simply prohibits mandatory prayer, has never stopped me from crying out that the heathen liberals are trying to forbid students from being Christian, all while my cock is as rigid as a slab of granite. Seriously, I could go into why I think the rise in school shootings is because students aren’t being forced to worship Jesus Christ every morning, but I’ll start blasting ropes like fucking Spiderman if I do.
- The Legalization of Same-Sex Marriage
Of course, it’s farcical that I should feel threatened by the idea of gay people getting married. It was absurd for me to cherry-pick the condemnation of homosexuality from the same Bible book that condemned wearing mixed fabrics in the first place. Tell that to my boner, though, as I’m ranting about how homosexuality is going to be forced onto every citizen within the decade thanks to Obergefell v. Hodges. Fuck yeah.
- Trans Athletes Being Allowed to Compete
Am I affected in the slightest by some trans teenager in Georgia being allowed to compete in a wrestling match? Fuck no, but you bet your bottom dollar that I’m writing my congressman about how much this threatens my Christian way of life while manipulating myself to completion with the other hand.
- Not Being Allowed To Say “Merry Christmas”
Oh fuck, I’m engorged to the point of bursting just from writing those words out. I truly don’t even know where this originated, but if I ever utter the words “we say ‘Merry Christmas’ in this house” to you, just know that the rail spike in my pants is threatening to send the green bean casserole careening to the floor after it raises my side of the dining room table. Good thing there’s only one more persecution fantasy left, because I’m starting to get lightheaded.
- Democrats Want To Take Our Guns Away
Just the thought of Democrat lawmakers going door to door collecting the guns of every God-fearing American gets me at full-mast. I don’t give a shit that this is a ridiculous fever dream that has absolutely no basis in reality. I’m pearling up over here, which means it’s time to call it quits. Thank Christ we didn’t get to my thoughts on The Great Replacement, because I’ve had just about all I can handle for one day.
