Don’t bother with handwriting analyses, enneagram tests, and aura readings. Don’t even worry about attachment theory or astrology forecasts. The only way to determine someone’s true character is to look at their breakup style, because just when I thought I’d found the perfect man, he hits me with, “Amanda, we broke up eight months ago, stop calling me.”
Whoever coined the phrase “if you love something, set it free” was probably a deranged sociopath with a severe oedipal complex. When you love someone, you don’t let a silly little thing like breaking up keep you from being together. Do you think that swans, or beavers, or any other mate-for-life animals would let something as trivial as “misaligned core values” get in the way of their whirlwind romance?
We still have so much to learn from nature. Consider the louse fish. These parasitic crustaceans bind themselves to fish’s tongues, suck their blood until the tongue withers away, then attach to the remaining stub and feed off their blood and mucus. An intimate, yet transactional love story to remind us that true love isn’t always pretty, but it’s always worth it.
I was supposed to be his tongue-eating louse, and now I’m watching from the sidelines like a common molly as he posts pictures of himself and his new girlfriend apple picking upstate. Hopefully, he’s forthcoming and tells her he still has a very serious ex-girlfriend in the picture. I tried to warn her myself, but something must be wrong with her phone because every time I type in her name, it says “Instagram account not found.”
Faced with such blatant disrespect and adulterous behavior, I’m trying to be the bigger person, but it’s not easy. I have tried everything from amateur love spells to gossiping about his penis size to inserting myself into his friend group to make it harder for him to detach from me, but to no avail. It seems that there is no simple solution to heartbreak.
With our first anniversary right around the corner, I’m honestly willing to let bygones be bygones provided he plans something big. It’s important to book in advance if we want to take that sushi tasting course everyone’s been raving about, but he isn’t responding to any of my messages. I can take a hint. That must mean he wants to talk in person.
