Man you guys, you’ll never believe what happened to me when I went to Amoeba Records last week! I shouldn’t say anything, but I can’t help myself. I was leaving the store when somebody stopped me and asked the question you always wanted to be asked at Amoeba Records.
Amoeba Employee: Excuse me, can I see what’s in your bag?
Me: Wow! Yes! How cool!
Amoeba Employee: It’s my first day and I don’t know what you’re talking about. Just open it up please.
Me: Well I love Samhain, and I already have “Final Descent” on vinyl, but I wanted a CD so I could rock out to it in the car. Plus Samhain isn’t on streaming, so yeah, this was a no-brainer.
Amoeba Employee: Do you have a receipt?
Me: I couldn’t leave here without “Grizzly Man,” it’s my favorite movie ever. The part where Herzog tells her to destroy the tape and she says “I will Werner, I will!” gets me every time.
Amoeba Employee If you don’t show me the receipt for these items I’m going to have to take you into the back.
Me: I got this sweet copy of “October Rust” on tape. And since I don’t actually have a tape player, I grabbed this Walkman too. So cool you guys still sell these things.
Amoeba Employee: That’s it, come with me.
(At this point the man ushered me into a cramped back office with what looked like a one-way mirror in it. He told me to sit down at a desk and to keep my hands where he could see them.)
Me: Don’t you normally film the show on the sales floor itself?
Amoeba Employee: Film what? Actually, forget it. Just slowly empty the contents of your bag. One at a time.
Me:I got this Henry Rollins book, but it seems to be just a bunch of angry poetry?
Amoeba Employee: On second thought just empty your whole bag. This is taking too long.
Me: Have you heard “Mean Man” by W.A.S.P? It’s so rad. Couldn’t believe you had the 7” on hand.
Amoeba Employee: That’s it, I’m calling for backup.
(Someone else entered the room, and I saw the word ‘Manager’ on her name tag. I had no idea that the manager was also the director of the show. Such a neat glimpse behind the scenes!)
Amoeba Manager: This is your last warning. We’ve called the police, and unless you give me a receipt before they get here you’re going to jail.
Me: Amoeba jail? Is that like the Criterion Closet?
Soon afterwards the cops came and arrested me because apparently I forgot to pay for the items. They took me to jail, and the fascists didn’t even let me keep the stuff even though I offered them a credit card to pay for them! All on the technicality that the credit card wasn’t mine, bogus!
So anyway, I’ll be in jail for the next 6–9 months, but keep an eye out on the Amoeba Records YouTube channel for, what I assume will be a very special episode of “What’s in My Bag?”