Ruh-roh! Run out of toilet paper and wonder what else you can use? Luckily, you can’t afford to own a toilet let alone the sewer laterals that transport shit from a toilet to the waste treatment facility so what you flush down the pot really isn’t your problem. It’s your landlord’s. And fuck that guy.
Now’s your chance to revel in the freedom that is not owning a home while sticking it to the ruling class by clogging up their pipes in a fun and inventive way. Next time you find yourself reaching for an empty roll of toilet paper try these 7 alternatives for cleaning your behind.
Your ex’s Korn t-shirt
This is really a two birds, one porcelain throne kind of situation. You asked him to pick up his box of stuff many times and the worn-in softness makes it ideal for ass wiping while retaining pipe-clogging properties. Unleash that freak.
Kitty Litter
Do you have a cat? Of course not. Your lease says no pets. But it doesn’t specifically say you can’t flush cat litter down the toilet, now does it? Your landlord deprives you the joy of a fluffy companion. And for that you should shit in a litter box and flush it down his toilet.
Newspaper
Not the most comfortable material to clean your nethers but it does make a political statement. Sports section? Classifieds? Obituaries (weird but, we won’t judge)? Show the world how you really feel with the wipe of an ass.
Non-flushable baby wipes
It’s the luxury choice. Clean, comfortable, and refreshing with the power to build up over time and wreak havoc after you’ve already moved out.
The tube
We’ve all been there. When faced with nothing or the empty toilet roll sometimes you gotta make do with what you’ve got. It might take a couple tries to get it down but keep the faith and keep smashing that toilet flush handle.
Tony Robbins Life Force
Your insufferable roommate won’t stop quoting it and left it right there on the toilet tank. Take charge of your life in a meaningful way. Wipe your ass with Tony.
All 30+ pages of your rental agreement
From limiting overnight guests to forbidding ukuleles on the property your asshole landlord has micromanaged every aspect of your life. He failed, however, to put a clause in there regarding damage to plumbing. So Doordash yourself some Taco Bell, cozy up with your lease, and let ‘er rip.