Feeling overwhelmed? You’re not alone! With the hectic pace of the modern world and what feels like a daily barrage of bad news, it can seem impossible to even find a moment of bliss. But peace of mind doesn’t come from social media likes or the seemingly-perfect career. It comes from within, and it starts with taking one deep breath.
Anyone who practices these deep breathing exercises properly can experience a multitude of positive effects, from better sleep to a more relaxed mood. However, they’ll ultimately prove ineffective for you, who is trying them while also taking hits from a resin-soaked bong and half-watching “Memories of a Murderer: The Nilsen Tapes.”
4-7-8 Breathing
Counting can do wonders for calming a restless mind. In this exercise, you inhale to a count of four, hold to a count of seven, and exhale to a count of eight. Of course, you’ll blow it by virtue of the fact that you can’t be trusted to stand up for seven seconds, much less hold your breath. And if you somehow manage to start counting correctly, you’ll soon be derailed by hearing the sentence, “We then found out the pieces of bones from the drain were indeed from a human body.”
Alternate-Nostril Breathing
Known amongst yoga practitioners as nadi shodhana, this exercise involves plugging one nostril with your thumb and the other with your ring finger. Open one nostril at a time, breathing in and out slowly and deeply. You’ll be amazed by how much calmer you feel after even just one cycle, or maybe that’s the “cosmic porcupine” you’ve been toking for the last half hour. Kind of a buzzkill to have that interrupted by hearing how Dennis Nilsen would burn the bodies of his victims in the backyard of his building, though.
Laying on Back
It’s simple — lay on your back and breathe deeply. Place a hand on your stomach and watch it rise and fall with each inhale and exhale the gentle rhythm reminding you of waves lapping upon the shore. Unfortunately, you won’t get to appreciate that connection since you just remembered you put something in the oven like an hour ago and also just heard about how Dennis Nilsen would target young male runaways in London gay bars.
Mantra Breathing
Think of a phrase that makes you feel at peace, and say it with each breath. Try something like saying “I am” on the inhale and “here” on the exhale and see how much better you feel. Unless of course “here” is high in front of your tv learning murder stuff, then it won’t work for shit.
Box Breathing
This is the exact same concept as the 4-7-8 breathing, only you’ll count to four every time. Do this for 10 minutes each day for a week and you’ll find yourself in a state of unadulterated bliss. Of course, your lifestyle doesn’t exactly scream “self discipline” so alternatively, continue to skim through articles like this anytime you’re sober enough to use google, half-ass the exercises, and then just stare into the void of your existence between panic attacks.