Page 8 – HARDTIMES

July 9, 2018

AUSTIN, Texas — A local Iron Maiden T-shirt came to the sudden realization yesterday, to its horror and disgust, that…

May 23, 2018

CLEVELAND — Recently signed hardcore band Pain on Fire discovered this afternoon that their recent promotional photoshoot was marred by…

April 10, 2018

AMSTERDAM — The life-long dream of American metal band Goat Machine came true last week when they finally performed a…

February 17, 2018

NEW ORLEANS — Local goth Peter “Draven” McGinty, burdened by his age and weight, has surgically removed his lower two…

January 30, 2018

PONTIAC, Mich. — 55-year-old Juggalo Kevin “Klown Syndrome” Anderson is concerned young Juggalos won’t continue the positive Juggalo message created…

December 21, 2017

BOSTON — Boston Symphony Orchestra patrons were dismayed last night when a “complete poser” in attendance clapped after the first…

September 22, 2017

HOUSTON — Local crust punk Shiloh Waters is still feverishly searching for a potential sitter for his beloved bedbugs while…

June 1, 2017

BALTIMORE — Promoters of the Dollops of Doom festival canceled the three-day music event at the last minute after weather…