BOULDER, Colo. — Local crust punk Aaron Beckman compromised his health this week when his self-made coronavirus facemask inadvertently exposed him to 32 other rare and deadly diseases, local medical staff report.

“The patient was admitted on Tuesday showing several symptoms of coronavirus, but when we ran our tests, we realized he was also carrying something called ‘Badger Flu,’ along with the first ever documented case of triple syphilis,” said Dr. Heather Stansfield during a press briefing. “He would be an incredible case study if he weren’t also the greatest biological threat of the last 500 years.”

Beckman reportedly made the facemask out of a torn, sweaty T-shirt sleeve tied together with the discarded red bands from a pack of Oscar Mayer bologna, an apparatus that doctors deemed “ineffective” and “completely disgusting.”

“I heard there weren’t many masks left, and I’m banned from every Walgreens in the city anyways, so I figured I’d just use whatever I had and make it work,” Beckman said in a phone call from his heavily quarantined hospital bed. “I grabbed my supplies from the cleanest dumpster I could find — I honestly didn’t think I’d end up with a rabies and gonorrhea hybrid. But hey, at least they’re gonna name it after me, so that’s pretty sweet.”

While Beckman’s heart appeared to be in the right place, doctors strongly cautioned against making DIY masks with assorted garbage and food waste.

“We understand that the mask shortage has a lot of people wanting to help out by using what they already have, but in this particular case, it honestly just made things so much worse.” Dr. Stansfield said. “If you’re considering making your own mask, please at least make sure you wash your Leftöver Crack shirt before cutting off the sleeves… and maybe try a shoelace for the tie-around part, instead of something with rotten meat flakes on it.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me,” she added, “I’ve got to go cure fucking Ebola again because of this kid.”

Stay safe, stay healthy, let us help.

Click here to go to our merch store where we can convert any t-shirt order into a DIY cloth face mask with elastic ear loops. These are not the n95 face masks our hospitals need, so you won’t be taking from any frontline workers. But because there are so many asymptomatic people spreading the virus, if everyone wore a simple cloth mask like this, there would be less community spread of the virus via the droplets caused by talking, coughing, and sneezing.

These masks are not adequate protection against COVID-19. But they can help your community. Social distancing, good hygiene (like washing hands and sanitizing surfaces), and staying home are the best protection.

Making your own mask out of an old t-shirt is easy. You can see a guide here.

This product is us cutting one of our new t-shirts and converting it into a cloth mask for you, so that you have one that looks cool. If you’d like to build your own here is a design from a recent study published in the medical journal Disaster Medicine and Public Health Preparedness.