CARSON, Calif. — Tampa Bay Vipers stand-out kicker Andrew Franks outraged fans and pundits last week after refusing to stand for Stone Cold Steve Austin’s theme song, “I Won’t Do What You Tell Me,” multiple screaming sources confirmed.
“This is a massive disgrace to the game of football and to this country as a whole,” said XFL commissioner Oliver “The Demented Dentist” Luck. “It’s a time-honored tradition that you stand up and go nuts every time you hear the trademark shattering of the glass that precipitates the arrival of the Texas Rattlesnake. I want to personally apologize to Mr. Austin and all the brave souls who have stepped into the squared circle with him and fell victim to a devastating Stone Cold Stunner.”
Many fans threw trash and half-eaten hot dogs at the kicker during his act of protest.
“I haven’t been this upset since Shawn Michaels hit Marty Jannetty with the Sweet Chin Music back in 1992. Some things are sacred, and traditions like these make me proud to be an American,” said former Vipers fan Gus Tumpkin. “My kids and I have been diehard Vipers supporters ever since the XFL reboot was announced last year. I’m not sure how I’m going to explain that one of their heroes is worse than The Iron Sheik and Ted DiBiase combined.”
Further outraging critics, Franks violently attacked DC Defenders quarterback Cardale Jones with a steel chair during a post-game interview before stealing the mic.
“Hey, America! It’s me, Andrew ‘Golden Toe’ Franks — all the men want to be me, and all the women want to be with me,” said Franks straight to camera. “If you thought today was bad, wait until you see what I have in store for next week. Not only will I hit the game-winning field goal, but I plan on marrying Wildcats cheerleader Rebecca Beckers during the half-time break.”
“And there ain’t nothing you can do about it,” he added before throwing the microphone to the floor.
In related news, members of the Houston Roughnecks reportedly plan on mounting a similar protest by turning their backs to the big screen during the ceremonial playing of Hulk Hogan’s “I Am A Real American.”