EL PASO, Texas — The legal team at Williams & Ruprecht was stunned today when a seemingly normal stack of divorce papers devolved into outright quoting of lyrics by indie-folk outfit The Mountain Goats, interns trying to make sense of everything confirmed.
“I’ve been a huge Mountain Goats fan since their lo-fi days, so my heart rate went up around the third paragraph,” said partner George Williams. “There were little hints, like talking about how the two of them have ‘No Children,’ which was in capital letters, of course. And then, on page three, there it was: ‘The defendant is a great, unstable mass of blood and foam, and no one in their right mind would make their home his home.’ I swear to God, I felt like I had a Bigfoot sighting. These things are so rare.”
Sarah Zhao, who initiated the divorce from her husband of three years, defended her use of the lyrics.
“I didn’t think anyone would notice. I mean, The Mountain Goats have written like, 800 songs, and 500 of those are about toxic relationships,” said Zhao. “At that point, you’ve probably used every possible combination of words in the English language to describe how much you hate your shitty husband. I was pretty proud I was able to use the line, ‘My husband sucked the blood out of my body. I won’t let him finish the job.’ Sure, I know I’m taking some liberties there, but true Mountain Goats fans will get the reference.”
John Darnielle, the vocalist and lyricist of The Mountain Goats, confirmed that his band’s lyrics have been popping up in the legalese of more divorce documents lately.
“People were getting married to some of my angriest songs, so I figured that if those people know how things are going to go, I may as well help them out on the back end,” said Darnielle. “I’ve been drafting up some Divorce Mad Libs — we’ll sell them at the merch table on our next tour to make these easier for everyone.”
A leaked transcript of the documents confirmed that, by page six, the argument outlined in the papers turned into nothing more than references to obscure professional wrestlers and “Dungeons and Dragons.”