LAS VEGAS — Local punk Andrew “RatFink” Haseley was recently offered a cool $300 by the hit History Channel show “Pawn Stars” under the condition that he immediately leave the store without causing any more trouble and never return, disgusted, gagging sources confirmed.
“So, I’m hanging around this strip mall parking lot, just loitering, when suddenly I blew chunks all over my GBH shirt. I looked down and one of the puke stains is the spitting image of Jesus Christ. Then, I noticed there’s a pawn shop nearby. I figured these yokels might give me a couple of bucks for a puke Jesus,” said Haseley. “But I didn’t realize they were filming a show at this place, and when I saw all the cameras, I thought I wandered into an episode of ‘To Catch a Predator’ or ‘Cops’ or something and nearly booked it the hell out of there.”
Haseley then cornered store owner and show host Rick Harrison and immediately shoved the vomit-stained shirt under his nose, repeatedly yelling “Puke Jesus, gimme something.”
“I should clarify that those vomit stains were not old and dry. We literally saw him throw up on himself in the store parking lot, look at the stain in amazement, and then run here with the sopping wet, highly pungent shirt demanding we trade him a $2,500 samurai sword for it,” said Harrison. “After some negotiating and much disruption, we gave him three hundred dollars to get the hell away from us just so we could continue filming the show.”
Producer Thomas Montgomery explained some of the difficulties of broadcasting a person as “colorful” as Haseley.
“With his puke-covered clothing, profane tattoos, and numerous, oozing open sores, there’s no way Haseley would have made it past our censors. We likely would have had to just blur his entire person to get the segment on air,” said Montgomery. “We did have him sign a waiver anyway per the show’s policy, but I’m pretty sure ‘RatFink Goldencock’ is not his legal name.”
Haseley later confirmed that “Pawn Stars” is not his first time on a TV show, having previously “aced” several paternity tests on the daytime talk show “Maury.”