ST. PAUL, Minn. — Mathcore band The David Hilbert Filter Box has successfully converted the harsh 6.2 Pitchfork review of their debut EP into a B+ AV Club review using their newly developed Review Exchange Formula (REF), sources confirmed.
“Using this formula, we were able to turn a bullshit review into a summary of our untapped potential,” said Darian Thomas, the band’s lead guitarist and trianglist. “We spent a lot of time on this EP, and Pitchfork really took the wind out of our sails. Luckily, our REF yields a much more favorable B+ AV Club review. That’s something I can really share on Facebook.”
Developed in the band’s rehearsal space, Thomas conceived of the method after reading hundreds of unfavorable Pitchfork reviews of albums highly rated across other outlets.
“The hardest parts of the equation are the variables: things like the age of the Pitchfork reviewer, and what they rated In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. Once you have that info you can properly convert any review,” said Thomas, illustrating the formula on a chalkboard. “Some of the worst Pitchfork reviews get converted as high as an NME 8/10, Rolling Stone 3.5 Stars, or 17 pirate flags out of 20 in my friend Nick’s zine”.
Once ready for the public, Thomas demonstrated the results to a gathering of poorly reviewed peers.
“A Pitchfork review by Alex Flanergy of our album, An Everlasting Ionic Presicipace, unfairly stated, ‘Despite some progressive soundscapes, this EP ends up dragging under the weight of its own pretension. The four-person guitar breakdown to an auto-tuned Isaac Newton quote did not sell,’” said Thomas. “But, once converted, the AV Club’s Patrick Emerson noted, ‘This album reveals The David Hilbert Filter Box to be the potential mainstream shepherds of mathcore. If Leonhard Euler were alive today, he’d think this is sick as fuck,’ in his B+ review.”
Much to their benefit, the conversion formula even allegedly helps the band in other areas.
“Using REF, 2 out of 3 of our members are swiped right on 20 percent more on Tinder,” swore Jim Lamont, who plays the band’s 8-bit synth. “And we played a bunch of covers at Jacob Alperstein’s Bar Mitzvah — they were called ‘complete shit’ by the grandparents, but they got converted to ‘kind of fun’ by four of the teenagers present.”